Everything that I want to say...but better.

I've had a lot of thoughts rushing around lately...the possibility of finding a new job...the fact that even though I've come pretty far pretty fast, I still know there's a long journey ahead...the fact that I have to prove myself twice as much and be twice as good because I'm half the age of my colleagues. I'll leave it all up to special guest blogger, John Mayer:

Waiting on the World to Change

Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing
There's no way we ever could
Now we see everything is going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
Its hard to be persistent
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change

Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would've never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on the door
When you trust your television
What you get is what you got
'Cause when they own the information,
They can bend it all they want

So while we're waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
It's not that we don't care
We just know that the party's there
So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change

We're still waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
One day our generation
Is gonna rule the population

So we keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
Know we keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change

***

Vultures

Some of us, We're hardly ever here
The rest of us, we're born to disappear
How do I stop myself from
Being just a number
How will I hold my head
To keep from going under

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
But I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me,testing me

How did they find me here
What do they want from me
All of these vultures hiding
Right outside my door
I hear them whisperin
They're tryin to ride it out
Cause they've never gone this long
Without a kill before

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me

Wheels up
I got to leave this evening
Can't seem to shake these vultures
Off of my trail
Power is made, by power being taken
So I keep on running
To protect my situation

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me

Decompression time

"I fear that I'm ordinary, just like everyone"

The Smashing Pumpkins, "Muzzle"

Now, I don't know whether Billy Corgan meant that everyone was afraid to be ordinary, or that he was afraid that he was like everyon else. I'd definitely go for the latter.

One of my best friends called me the other day. His kids are a bit older than Brandon (3 years old and 18 months, with another on the way), and he related what a preschool teacher told him:

"Oh, you don't want to teach your daughter to read or write or do math. If you do that, she'll be so far ahead of the other kids she'll get bored and it'll be difficult for her."

So much for encouraging the best and brightest, huh? I'm a little worried about Brandon starting school and having the same problems, but I'd much rather have him be too far ahead than too far behind. He's only a tick under 4 months old, but people from doctors to daycare workers to other parents have already told us that he's undeniably bright. Hopefully he'll be lucky and find some good friends and not get chewed up by the system.

Am I afraid he'll get bullied for being different, like I was? Not really. More often than not, I'd be the ones sending the bullies home with aches and pains of various degrees. The last bully I had was actually in university (can you believe that?), and he got a couple of trips to the hospital for his efforts.

I'll definitely try to do a better job of being a life coach for him, and for all of my kids, should we have more. I'm a strong believer that kids should be allowed to make their own mistakes and learn from them, but there were times that I really needed some guidance that I wasn't always in a position to get. My parents were/are both bright and intelligent people, but somehow, the way the dna fused, I developed into someone neither of them were really able to relate to. If I had gotten different advice, I surely would have become a different person. The jury's out on whether or not that's a good thing, but it's the sort of thing you think about when you're having a rough time in your chosen job/profession.

My resume is handed in for another job, but it will be several weeks yet before I hear any news. I'm doing my mental prep work to get ready for the prerequisite exams and interviews. I haven't really done a job interview in almost 7 years, and I'm probably pretty rusty. Though I do have a 15-year streak of getting every job I've ever been interviewed for. Hopefully this will be one more.

***

This weekend, I really rediscovered my love for playing the guitar. I'm no virtuoso, I'm self-taught and am pretty sloppy, but there's just something cathartic about belting out a song and not caring what you sound like. I just finished playing a marathon of songs by the Smashing Pumpkins, opening with Rhinoceros, then in order, Drown, Cherub Rock, Today, Soma, Bullet With Butterfly Wings, Porcelina of the Vast Oceans and Muzzle. I haven't played some of those songs in years, yet somehow, my fingers still remembered where to go, after a false start or two. I refuse to tune my guitar to flats, so I have to stretch a bit with my voice in the higher key, but what the hell, it's not like Billy's voice is outstanding anyway. That's not the point.

I really feel rejuvenated and ready to go back to work on Monday. I just hope the weeks start getting better from here on out.

It's Dog Eat Dog, Baby!

"Resist, unlearn, defy."

Incubus, "Out From Under"

Sometimes, external forces mold your personality so subtly that you don't even notice the change you've gone through until it's passed.

I started out as a pretty high-flyer in my organization. Went from the bottom rung to a manager's position in record time. Tried innovative ideas that are now company policy. Changed the way we do business with our clients. But, for the past few months, I find that I've been given some redundant tasks, and I've missed out on the plum committee appointments. It's as if my organization has said "thank you for your hard work, but the spotlight is off you now, so just go on about your business".

Not that I ever stopped pressing for these things, as I know that my skills lie more in strategic management and organizational culture than line management, and I know that those skills are in demand. But every time I've requested an opportunity, I've been told "you can't do that, you'll burn yourself out". Or "you've come so far, so fast, I think you need a break now". I will be the one who determines what I can and can't do. Besides, I know myself, and I know that without the energy and learning opportunities that these extra projects provide, I'd likely burn out anyway.

So, a job posting shows up on my desk yesterday. It's a great position, great pay, and no more work than what I'm doing now, either about the same or less. There's also a lot more strategy involved, which is what I want. The only downside is that it's in a sector of the organization that I don't know very well. Let's put it this way, if I worked in the construction industry, I would be in the sector that builds frames, and the other sector would be the one that does the roofing. But, it's nothing that I can't learn.

However, the first thing I think is that "well, I'm sure someone else deserves it more than me, I've come so far so fast that it would be better if I stayed where I was - I'm sure I wouldn't get the job anyway." What the fuck kind of thinking is that? FROM ME? I've never, ever viewed potential jobs like that, then I realized that the months of years of downward pressure and pigeonholing got me second-guessing myself.

As soon as I realized this, I was able to snap out of it. It's a great job, and I deserve it just as much as anyone else does. I'm not expecting it to be handed to me on a silver platter, but I'm going to be ready to compete for it, and there aren't many people who are better in a competitive situation than me, because I don't crack under pressure. I'm applying for this job, and Lord help anyone who is stuck in that exam room with me. It's back to dog eat dog. And I'm the biggest, strongest, fastest, youngest and smartest dog in the neighbourhood. And it's about time that I remembered that.

The Need for Constant Evolution

So, it was the last day for one of my employees today. She quit and found herself work elsewhere. The gut shot was that she even took a pay cut and a longer commute to be happy. I like to think that I make the work environment as positive as possible, but there's only so much a line manager can really do about working conditions. Thus my need to move up in the organization.

But, strangely, I found myself really envying my employee. And I thought about it, and figured this is why many of us feel compelled to move from job to job. We miss the initial adrenaline rush of having to learn something new and how to adapt to new situations. We miss displaying the added-value we can bring to an organization, before that added-value becomes taken for granted and added to our regular duties. We miss having the hope that we have the power to enact change around us.

I haven't lost hope that I can bring lasting change to my organization, but I know that it won't be worth the price I'll have to pay if I manage. But the fact that my chronically shortstaffed working unit is getting 8 employees this month is reason to believe that finally, people are seeing what's going on and trying to make amends. I'll supposedly get about a dozen more over the next 2 years. Now, if only I can keep others from leaving, I'll be set. And I'll be able to leave myself with a clear conscience.