The Legend of the Extra Drippy Cunt-eh (Post-Uni) (Redux)

"We're never gonna survive, unless...we get a little...crazy..."

Seal, "Crazy"

As an aside, an extremely underrated artist, IMO.

It's funny, even the telling of this story has a background. See, it sort of was the inspiration for this blog. I posted it on a message board a while back to rave reviews, which led me to believe I had an audience for this kind of stuff. Unfortunately, I never kept a copy of it on my hard drive, and the site got hacked and we lost the original story. I will attempt to recreate it here as faithfully as possible.


***

Sometime in summer 2001.

So, as I had mentioned, six months after I moved into the apartment, a couple moved out. My girlfriend and I took the bedroom that was left behind, leading to the dismantling of the circus tent. At the same time, one of my other roommates had recently started dating a girl, and they decided (she was from out of town), that she should move in to try to find a job. So, there were five of us living there full-time, with an extra two guys part time. In addition, the third guy roommate was dating this other girl's best friend. There'll be a test later.

Everything was fine at first. But as is always the case when you bring girls into the picture, things got complicated. As time passed, we started to suspect that this girl wasn't very bright. Then, we were convinced of it. My roommate referred to her as "the stupidest creature to walk the face of the Earth".

Now really, this girl was stupid. You know about book smarts, and street smarts. This girl had neither. In fact, she had the opposite of both these things. Now, as long as you didn't stray from general small-talk, she could be an ok person to be around, barely. But as soon as we would talk about more serious stuff, she couldn't keep up. I don't mean to rag on the fact that she was dumb, but I mean, she didn't have any matter of in-depth knowledge about anything. And people like that, in addition to being boring as hell, get really annoying after a time. Especially when they think they're as smart as you. Which they're not. 'Cause they're dumb.

This girl enjoyed arguing for the sake of arguing. She was never right, but would just stick to her guns like a captain going down with the ship. Now, my roommate was a pretty high-strung person, so he'd just end up going ballistic and getting stressed out. It was not a good situation for any of us, and when you've got 7 people living in 1100 square feet, there isn't anywhere to really get away.

However, and here's the kicker, you can't just up and tell your best friend that his girlfriend is a troglodyte bitch. Men get blinded by love, it's true, and you can't tell him anything bad, because it could potentially ruin the friendship. So you just stick it out and make sure that you're there for them when things invariably go bad.

Things went from bad to worse as she dug her claws in. Since we had my old 21 inch tv in the living room, she volunteered to bring a newer, larger tv from home. We thought "hey, great! The bitch is good for something!" Well, no sooner did that tv come in than she placed a ban on all sports shows. Uhhhhh, what? The deal was, we were allowed to watch her tv as long as we asked her, and that she was ok with what you were watching. Uhhhhhhh, WHAT?

Now, I watched sports a lot more than the other guys, so I became a raving lunatic for a while. I probably don't watch any more than 10 hours of tv a week, but probably about 9.5 of that is sports. So I brought my tv back out in the living room, put it on a table beside hers, reconnected the cable to mine, and watched nothing but all sports, all the time, just to spite her. Fuck you, bitch.

Now, as I was saying before, when you live in close quarters, you find things out about people that you never want to find out. My roommate, as was his habit when he smoked a lot of weed, came out with a lot of secrets. So, when he banged this chick for the first time, I could just see it in his face that he wanted to come out and tell me about it.

"Listen man, now, you can't tell anyone about this, but I fucked her. I fucked the shit out of her. And she leaked EVERYWHERE. It soaked through the blankets, through the sheet, and it soaked right into my mattress. My parents are coming to visit this weekend, and I can't get the smell of pussy out of my room."

"Dude, are you sure she didn't just piss herself?"

"NO. Uhhh, NO. Ummmm, I don't think so, she couldn't have...fuck off. No. FUCK. NO."

Now, as loath as we normally are to using the "C" word (girls don't like it, and it's just plain rude), this girl had already done enough to earn the moniker Dumb Cunt (even my girlfriend called her that). So now, she was the Drippy Cunt. And somehow, that wasn't enough, so she became the Extra Drippy Cunt. In addition, she had told her best friend (who was dating the other roommate) about this, and she told her boyfriend, the other roommate about it. And I told my girlfriend about it. So we all knew, but we didn't know that anyone else knew...until one afternoon...

We were throwing a huge bash one weekend for no particular reason. At least if there was a reason, I don't remember it now. To spice things up (and get the girls drunk), we started playing a drinking game, Kings. Now, I don't remember much about this game, except that you use a deck of cards, you have to drink with certain card combinations, then you make up bullshit rules, then you drink more.

(One funny rule before we go on: the NO SIMPSONISMS rule. Because all of us were avid Simpsons watchers and quoters, I figured that I could get a lot of people drinking if I made a rule that no one was allowed to quote the Simpsons at the table. If they did, they had to drink. Honest to God, here was one exchange we had:

"Eat my shorts!"

"That's a Simpsonism, you have to drink."

"D'OH!"

"That's two drinks."

Another guy at the table: "Haw haw!" (Nelson the bully)

"That's a drink for you."

"D'OH!"

"That's two drinks."

First guy: "Haw haw!"

Third guy: "No, no, dig up, stupid!"......"D'OH!"

First and second guy: "Haw haw!"

Not our most brilliant hour. Anyways, on with the story.)

So, on the tv is that "I AM CANADIAN" commercial. So, like good Canadians, we make up a rule that we have to finish all of our sentences with "eh". Then, the other girlfriend picks the "questions" card:

(From the Kings rules site:

Q) Questions
You start by making eye contact with someone and asking them an off-the-wall question. The players then go around in a circle asking each other questions. The point is to do this fast and to make the person laugh. Whoever laughs first drinks. In some groups, the first person to answer one of the questions, or make any statement other than a question, drinks instead.)

And finally, because of all the bad feelings simmering under the surface, and the amount of booze everyone had had to drink, my other roommate's girlfriend turns to this girl and says:

"So, I hear you've got an extra drippy cunt, eh?"

And we all just start roaring (and drinking, as per the rules), and we started laughing harder once we realized that all of us knew what it was that we weren't supposed to know, and that everyone else knew as well. As you can well imagine, the rule goes into place that every sentence must be finished with "extra drippy cunt-eh". I thought this girl was gonna freak out, but she was too drunk and stupid to be any more than slightly embarrassed. She was even good about it, finishing off her own sentences with the lovely phrase, which made it all the funnier.

The game went on for a while, but then we started noticing that this girl's boyfriend had never really stopped laughing, but now he was starting to stop breathing. He was clutching at his sides, tears squirting out of his eyes, snot running down his nose, and his face was contorted into a painful looking laugh, with no sound, and no air going in or out. Each time he calmed down enough to draw a quick breath, his laughter redoubled in intensity, until he got to the point that his sides hurt so much that he couldn't draw in any breath at all. For a minute, we wondered whether someone could really die laughing.

All of a sudden, there was a split second of calm. Then, his eyes bugged out and both hands instinctively clasped tightly over his mouth. It would seem that all of the rapid-fire drinking and laughing had churned up his stomach something awful. We didn't even hear him heave, but chunder started squirting out between his fingers, coating the table, the floor, himself, and the guy beside him. (Ewwwww, that's warm. Can someone get me a towel?)

Never have I seen so much puke come out of a man. And he could never position his hands to stop the flow, it would just squirt out between different fingers. So it was like a puke sprinkler. He finally half staggered, half was pushed out onto the balcony, and he coated that entire balcony, which was no mean feat. Even after all that barf in the living room, out on the balcony he looked like that the guy in that one scene that everyone knows about from Stand By Me, during the pie eating contest:



Which...well...sort of meant the end of the game. And it was probably the start of the end of that relationship. The horrid thing was, was that she was pressuring him to move out with her, and the rest of us wanted to move out to get away from her. My girlfriend and I ended up buying a condo that, if we had taken the time to research a bit more, would never have bought (and taken more time to pay off her student debt), and the EDC-E and my roommate broke up a few months after they moved out, so he got shafted paying rent in an apartment by himself. And the third guy had to scramble to find other people to live with, which put a dent in our friendship for a while, it seemed.

So fuck you, you extra drippy cunt.